Word After Word

DJ is home from the armed services, on leave for a week over Christmas. I interviewed him in his dad’s living room.

How was Basic Training different from what you expected? 

I expected more push-ups.  [DJ drops to the floor, and in front of the Christmas tree, where the ornaments include a paper cut-out of a hand imprinted with his tiny hand in paint, a photo of him blonde and skinny and wee, serious kid grin on his face, framed by puzzle pieces, He is doing one-handed push-ups, yelling TI—training instructor—style faster, faster faster trainee now on your back flutter kick faster what’s wrong with you. Flipping on his back, he does the flutter kicks. On your face! on your face now! he yells. The dog is licking his ear, in a worried way.]

Then he says, “Look at your little tail, Cubby. It’s furious! Calm down, little Cubby. Calm down. Remember your ear pressure points! Woo sa. Woo sa.”  [The dog is given an upsetting acupressure ear treatment and DJ is redirected to the sofa.]

The interview continues….”We were talking about how it was…”

I smiled a lot. [He opens his new book].

Did you get yelled at for it? 

I did. Trainnee what’s so funny you think this is fun?  We just didn’t do that much physical. I thought there be a lot more turning into a man stuff. That was a native thing.

[By native thing, DJ means negative thing. By Koisk he means Kiosk.]

What was the worst part of this experience? 

The clothes.  So much clothes! I can take getting yelled at. I can take folding clothes. But so many clothes. I never planned Basic would involve so much clothes. I don’t mind wearing the clothes. It’s making them all nice. See those shoes over there? They should be nice and shiny. Polished to a high shine. They’re not. They’re not at all. It’s terrible, those shoes.

The menial tasks. I’ve never been one for menial tasks. So yeah. Less time folding clothes, more time turning into a man. 

What did you love? 

That I’m busy.

I’m glad you like your present. [While we talk, DJ is reading the book I gave him for Christmas, Steven Colbert’s I Am America. Which is to say he is applying a Colbert flow chart titled “are you gay?” to his brother, his father, and the dog.]

I love this Stephen Colberg. He’s hilarious. I can’t take this back with me. Let’s see if boot camp is gay.

[Boot camp is not gay.]

            And the interview is momentarily interrupted again:

            Jake (also on couch, reading): It’s Cole-bear. Cole-bear.

            Junior: that’s what I said. Colbergh.

            Jake: you say Colbergh. It’s Colbert.

            Junior: he’s hilarious. This Colbergh. I love this guy. But who is Margaret Cho?

            Jake: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

What was the first night like? what were you thinking?

That “This is going to be awesome.” But there was not time to think. Those first six weeks. No thinking. People were frightened out. People were crying.

You saw?

Or they said.  We lost a lot of people. Way more than usual. Some were recycled. Others go home. Not suited for military service. NMS.

But we didn’t even do a ton of PT. I thought there’d be a lot more.

What was the food like?

College. The whole thing is like college. You get a little choice. You get four slices of bread and some rolls and the bread is your utensils. You have no time. You have no time to eat. Or shave. That first day shaving, it was a war zone. I’ve never seen so much blood. You stop taking utensils after awhile. You just use the bread, to scoop up. Slap it on. Go.

How is it now?  Really happy to be out of there. There’s still the drudgery. But now we have our computers and our candy back. 

And you are the student instructor? In charge? What’s that like?

Well, what’s it like, having your boss?           

We all say woo sa a lot.